I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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