I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
