you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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