I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
