so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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