i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My legs feel like baby dolphins
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
