Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
