What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
