oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
