its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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