We won't sleep together?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Randomize
