I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just pee around me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
