I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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