You really coming over, don't trick.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
