The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
