i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize