I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
