There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
