If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize