Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
