He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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