the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
