apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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