i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
