Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Soap is not a condiment
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
