My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
