I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
