She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
