the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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