dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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