508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
