Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
