mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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