I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Drunk walkin through police station. America
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
