tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
