just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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