I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
