I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
