I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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