His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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