Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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