Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
