My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
