Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
