Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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