Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She said her name was "party"
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Randomize
