The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
last night I used snow as a chaser
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