I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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