**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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