a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
