we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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