My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
