woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
