Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
