She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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