first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
