My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize