Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
