Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
All the doctor said was why
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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