Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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