I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish you could order shots online.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
