I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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