I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
