i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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