I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
