Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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